Rambling

O.k...so I'm writing this because Shawn asked why I haven't blogged in a while. Why? Because...the kids have been out of school for the holidays, we've been getting Anna ready for Junior Miss and basically my mind is just mush.

So what's going on these days? My baby will be four on Tuesday. Monday night we're having an Auburn cake & cookie during the NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP game for his birthday. He's wearing his CAM jersey to church tomorrow. He's the fifth child so of course I'll let him. What's he about at "almost four"....Auburn, Toy Story, football, his Toy Story Guitar, Cam, football, trapping the kitten, his Aubie Pillowpet that Nana bought for him and his Auburn blanket his MawMaw crocheted for him. His favorite song of late is from Veggie Tales, "My God is Bigger Than the Boogie Man". At this very moment he is break dancing to "Watch Me Do My Thang" on ESPN.

For some reason the holidays wore me out this year. I guess I'm old or at least too old for this many children...My new year's resolutions? I have none. I'm just tired of lying to myself. At the very least one should strive to tell ones self the truth. I'm adopting Jana's college motto of "No Expectations". Instead, I'll just be thankful. Thankful for a husband who goes to work everyday whether he wants to or not and then walks through the door at night and looks for ways to make me happy. Thankful for daughters who are true blue and have never given us one minute of trouble. Thankful for my young daughter who has every right to be angry but tries her best not to be every minute of every day. Thankful for my sons who make me tired. Thankful for my messy house that is bursting from the life that lives inside it.

Happy Birthday, Christian, Armya, Sarah and Aunt Lisa!

Good Luck Annie!

Just Part of the Plan

We finished the project! It is so precious. Remember, we have no pictures from birth to two and a half. Well, we have one but she refused to use it. We're still debating on having it copied and cropped to just show her. We drew the time line. The first line stands for the day she was born. We made itty bitty feet print using her pinky finger prints and painted little toes. She loved it! At the bottom of the line we glued a flower pot and flower out of quilt themed scrapbook paper and put "It's a Girl" in the center of the flower. We added a poem that says "A family is like a patchwork quilt, gently sewn together. A family is meant to last all the years, a family is forever." The first picture is the picture that was taken of our family the night she came to live with us. As we were working she noticed that there were no pictures for the first two years and she asked me why. I told her that we didn't have any pictures other than the one with her birth mom. I asked her if she just wanted to write that she was in foster care. She said, "Foster care? (insert long pause to think)...MAN, I've lived a whole lot of life!"

I choose to take this as a sign that she is finally making strides to a healthy place emotionally. My friend made a valid point. Amberly being our daughter WAS the plan.

Growing Pains

Ambelry has a project due for school. It is to be a poster board type project, a time line from birth to present. I guess to be honest I'm a little ticked. The story of her birth and adoption "is what it is" but sometimes I just wish for one minute of one day she didn't have to be reminded. She is a different race from those who love her the most so it's not something she can tuck deep in the family bible. Some adoption stories are just so miraculous and are truly meant to be shared for various reasons for encouragement and for ministry. Our ministry was foster care and her life story is a beautiful story of redemption. We're not in ministry anymore. We were called for a time that I believe was meant to lead us to the rest of our family. Now we are just that, a family. It's not that we have hid her beginnings from her. She remembers every horrible transition that we went through together. It took years to find a normal day. In thinking about this project I'm struggling with how much to share. Does she put her birth name? It's different now. She picked it out herself. We have one picture of her during her first two years. She was nine months old and her mother was holding her at a visit. She told me she didn't want to put it on the poster. Why? Is she worried about me? Is it confusing? Does she not want to answer questions? Probably all of the above. Maybe it's just something that she wants to keep for herself since she has to answer questions about her family almost every single day. We can't leave out her first two years. Birth is a basic human right. If we only had a single picture to put for birth to two this wouldn't be an issue. I know that these are just growing pains. If she were adopted in a traditional way I think it would have been easier to share about the wonderful way she came to our family. The fact is, she came to our family because she was neglected, abused and almost past the point of no return. I know the miracle that God did for her and for us. I'm still overcome with thankfulness at the most unexpected times but right now she's at such a good place. She is finally, for the most part a very carefree little girl.

Adoption is such a personal thing. I adore the beauty of the whole plan. It's just as miraculous to me as birth. I've tried to share that wonder with all five of my children. I love to tell about the blessing of children when God gives me the opportunity. She's just eight. I just don't think it is fair to expect her to post all the details of her life in the hallway at school unless that's her choice. I just wish they would stick to reading, writing and arithmetic.

It's due December 6th. We will learn from this and we'll figure out a beautiful way to share her story but Mama Bear just may have to figure out a way to make that trip down memory lane with her...all the way to the school.

Here We Go...AGAIN!

It seems like just yesterday I was taking the scenic drive down the winding country roads to Junior Day at the college that Jana now calls home. There just aren't words for the shock of realizing that you have a child ready to leave for college. Everyday moments and the many big events of her senior year were marked with "this is it" or "last time". I just couldn't wrap my brain around the fact that we were here already. I knew it was coming, but I didn't know it would be at lighting speed!

Anna is a senior this year and for the most part, at least in the everyday things, I have been spared from being blind sided. I knew this was coming. I didn't cry on senior picture day. I didn't have a pit in my stomach the first day of school. I'm actually very excited for her because I know that God has many wonderful things in store. College preparations have been smooth. I've cherished the everyday moments because I know that this is the only time I will ever have with her as my oldest still living at home. I'm good.

NOT!!!

Scholarship Day at college was this past Saturday. We took the same winding roads and this time we were not alone. Anna's best friend who happens to be her cousin and her mom went with us for the testing and tours. This didn't start out as a particularly nostalgic day as the college was not first choice for either of the girls. We basically went because we love Jana and did not want to dismiss the place that is so much a part of who she is. We parked the van and with our usual very loud girly chatter we all got out to go register at Jewitt Hall. I turned around to say something to Robin and the very moment I didn't expect to have slipped up on me! Walking a few feet ahead were the two girls who have been best friends since they were side by side on a quilt in Nana's floor. Their heads were leaned in toward one another in the way it always is when they are walking and talking. The were nonchalantly taking their first steps away from us.

Why did I think I would be immune from the jolt of the beginning of the end of her girlhood. This child, the one I have spent thousands of hours with on the road to violin lessons, rehearsals and functions. The talks, the secret fast food fixes, the arguments, the she sleeps and I drive, the mass of curls across the seat, her hazel eyes so full of whatever she feels that day. To have her look at me and say, "Mama, this is it. I feel safe here" and to know that she is so independent she would never have said it if something hadn't taken hold of her will. She was the one who was moving to New York and never getting married, the one who swore she'd never give me grandchildren. But there she stood ready to be obedient to any change in her plans if that's what He wanted of her.

We're here again. This is our last Christmas with our beautiful, strong-willed second born before she only lives here half of the time. I knew it was coming, but I didn't know it would be at lighting speed!

What I love about....

Jana...she left us all for college and she's having the time of her life. I love that she is strong and poised and confident. She sees beauty in everyone. She makes up her mind to do something and she does it...even if that something isn't the norm. She looks like a cowboy/girl on a horse! I love the shape of her face when she smiles. You can see strength.

Anna...her messy up do that has become her signature style. I love her heart that belongs only to one. She argues and knows she's right. She plays music with her heart and not her mind. The twinkle in her hazel eyes. That she's not ashamed to let me fill out most of her college paperwork. She'll be a good boss one day.

Braden...that his eyes speak. He's so handsome he takes my breath if he looks at me just right. I can't wait to see his wife on their wedding day. I love that the little boy who seemed so insecure struggles with vanity. He rides a horse like the cowboy he is and is proud of the bruises.

Amberly...her dimples and her dark skin. Her skin used to be so difficult and now when it's moisturized I just want to touch her. I love her athletic build. I wish she had the confidence that Jana does. The great thing about being the fourth child...your mama realizes that time heals.

Christian...his eyes crinkle when he smiles. He has charm down to an art form. He loves me almost as much as his daddy does. He calls me mama doll. His beautiful brown skin. His build, he's just like his daddy and has a mole in the same place as Amberly. His hero is his brother and Cam Newton and Javae. I love that he has heros.

Shawn...he loves me like Mr. Rochester loved Jane Eyre. He touches my face on an ordinary day. Though he's last on the list, he's first in my heart.

These are a Few of My Favorite Things (about Fall)

1. My handcrafted chenille pumpkin made from 1940's chenille. My sister-in-law Robin and I bought one several years ago in Gatlinburg, Tennessee from a local craft vendor. We were already over our mini-vacation budget but we each splurged a whole $16.00! It is my single favorite possession and it adorns the center of my dining room table every year from September until November. I have been known to work it into the Christmas decor!

2. Pumpkin scented candles on my mantel.

3. The horses that stand under the same tree in the pasture straight across from my front glass door. It seems like they only stand in this spot in the fall.

4. The color orange.

5. ...and blue. WAR EAGLE!!!

6. Chili & Potato Soup with cheese and onions.

7. The kids play outside for hours on end.

8. Hearing their laughter through the window.

9. ROLLING!!!

10. Watching the shows about haunted places on t.v.

Who I Want to Be

Joyce Christine Connell Horton was my maternal grandmother. I have not seen her face for over eighteen years but her presence is still so strong in my life. I think of her when my daughter comes home from college and my heart leaps, when my friend is mourning yet another lost loved one, when I dream of my grandchildren. All of the ways that I love come from the way that she lived. I, along with many others, thought that I was her absolute favorite! I don't have any illusions that she was perfect. She could gossip with the best of them and she would argue with herself. She had demons in her past, things she never got over.

I remember her cooking for days before the holidays, filling her freezer and counters for seven children, their spouses and twenty-five grandchildren. If someone passed away, she was the first one in the kitchen cleaning and cooking and taking care of everything behind the scenes. In her spare time she crocheted. She had counted stitches for so many years that her lips kept time long after she she quit counting. She had boxes of little baby shoes, caps and blankets that were ready to gift at the mention of a babyshower!

When I was expecting my oldest child I spent many hours thinking about the kind of mother I wanted to be. I made conscious decisions based on examples from mothers that I admired, including my own. I'm coming to a different place in my life and once again there are choices to be made. I want to love like my grandmother. I want my children to choose their mates based on the love they see at home because settling would be out of the question. I want to always be aware of the leap in my heart when my children come home again. I want to prepare scrumptious feasts to celebrate them so that they will always want to come home. I want my friends to know that I love them and that I'm there when they can't be strong. I want to play favorites with all that I hold dear. That's who I want to be.

Titus 2:4 that they admonish the younger women to love their husbands, to love their children...